Avoidant Personality Research Center

Of all the questions I get about Avpd, the most common one is;

"How in the world do I live with my spouse that has Avoidant Personality Disorder (Aka  Avpd or Antisocial Personality Disorder)?

I lost count of how many times I have heard this. These words are from a Normal. I will write up a blog on what a "Normal" is a bit later. Basically though, a Normal is what I call anyone that does not have Avoidant Personality Disorder.

Before I can deal with Living with an Avoidant, I need to give you some background, so this will be a multi part blog.

If I were to assign a percentage to the emails that I receive,  I'd say that Avoidants account for about 10% of those that contact me, while a whopping 90% of those that I hear from are Normals that are trying to be in a relationship with someone that has, or they suspect, has Avpd. 

The reason why so few Avoidants contact me, while so many Normals contact me is a story/blog in of itself. Basically though, its because Avoidants Avoid. 

Who knew, right? 

Avoidants avoid life, they avoid intimacy and they especially avoid talking about their issues. The main reason they avoid talking about their issues, is because they either live in denial that their is anything wrong, or they know something is wrong in their lives, but refuse to seek help.

These reasons require a lot of explanation, but for the sake of this blog and length, I will summarize as best I can.

#1 There are some Avoidants that genuinely think they are fine and nothing is wrong with them. This category of Avoidant would fall under the heading of delusional. It is pretty hard not to recognize there is a problem when your mate who is pulling their hair out in frustration, you have no friends, you cant keep a job, and you fit into the other things that make up What An Avoidant is.

The first step to getting help is to admit there is a problem. If they do not admit this, then unfortunately, there is not much that can be done. This same concept can be found in Alcoholics Anonymous and any other problem. If a person does not recognize they have a problem, there is no way to deal with it. They have to get to the place where they recognize they have a problem and want to get help.

There is also a saying in teaching that goes like this. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

No, there is no magic where the teacher poofs in and out of existence. This saying means that students are sometimes not ready to learn what the teacher is trying to teach them. If the student is not ready to receive the teaching, then for them, the teacher is not even there. 

Once the student recognizes they have a problem, and they decide that the teacher can help them with it, they are ready to receive the teaching, so for them the teacher has appeared.

The only thing you can do for Avoidants that fall into this category is be patient with them, be patient some more, and then when that patience wears out, be patient some more, and if you are a Christian, pray.  There are reasons that I said you need patience so many times. 

Everyone has issues, even Normals, Lets say that Bob is a Normal and is dealing with a Porn addiction in his life. Bob is actively working on his addiction, seeking help, and has a plan to overcome it. Everyone overcomes things at different rates, but lets say that it takes Bob 1 year to find the healing he needs so that Porn no longer has a hold over his life.

Now lets take the same scenario of overcoming Porn, but this time, Bob is an Avoidant. In the life of an Avoidant, time crawls and is very complicated. It might take Bob 10 years for Bob to over come that same Porn addiction. The reasons for this are a bit complicated, but I will try to sum up. 

The many issues that make up an Avoidant (Fear of Authority, Fear of going outside, Severe Depression, Severe Social Anxiety, Fear of Intimacy, Hyper sensitivity to Criticism, Fear of Rejection, Additions to Smoking, Drinking, Porn, Video Games, etc...) are all connected and intertwined like a spiders web. 

Next time you see a spider web, try to take out just 1 portion of the web while leaving the rest of the web intact. Its pretty much impossible to do. In order to deal with one part of the overall problem, like Porn, you have to deal with every single aspect of Avpd. Dealing with just one part of it like a Porn Addition can be done, but its going to take a while.

#2 Most people that have Avpd, or might have Avpd, that claim they dont have a problem are just lying to themselves, or their partner. These people secretly know they have a problem, and do want help, but cannot ask for this help because they cannot risk failure.

In order to admit there is a problem, and ask for help, the person has to be vulnerable. To be vulnerable is to invite possible failure and rejection.

For example, lets say that I wanted to tell the world that I have struggled with Porn. Its gone now, but this was something that plagued me for decades. To tell others about this requires me to be very vulnerable. 

I am opening myself up to judgement, attacks, and hatred from;

•  Satan that does not like it that I kicked this addiction
•  People that are still hooked on porn and want to defend their position of continuing watching it
•  Church leaders that will say that I am not a christian, not a Pastor, or have no place in leadership

What if the person with Avpd puts themselves out there as having Avpd, but nothing happens, or the person or org that claims they can help fails? To the Avoidant, this means they failed.

This presents a risk that the person with Avpd is incapable of making, The only way they can protect themselves against these possibilities is to deny they even have the problem.

#3 There is one other reason why someone would not want to admit they have Avpd, or seek help, and that is the stigma that goes with it and fear of judgement and reprisals from others. I wont spend much time on this, but if they admit they have Avpd, people might fear them, and not want to be around them. 

A spouse or partner, that does not understand Avpd and just how severe a condition it is, might use the words that every Avoidant fears. "Just get over it".

Some bosses would discriminate against someone that has a mental disorder and cause them problems, or even fire them out of fear they cant handle their job.

#4 The last category is the person that admits they have Avpd, or at least knows there is a problem, but maybe is not sure what it is. This is the person that is ripe for getting help. They know they have a problem, and they know they need help. For this person, the future is bright.

Now this does not mean its going to be easy, but it does mean they can be helped.

Now onto Part 2