Fear Of People

There are a lot of fears in this world: fear of heights, fear of snakes, fear of clowns, fear of your teacher/boss, and even the fear of the Lord. These are normal and even good because fear prevents us from doing dumb things and hurting ourselves.

In the case of AVPD, we are talking about abnormal fears. For those with Avoidant Personality, everyone is an enemy, and everyone is to be feared. The difference from person to person is only in a matter of degree.

Often people with this fear have a rating scale either in their head, or in their subconsciousness, that they use to rate the people and the potential danger.

Unable To Handle Criticism

It is impossible to live in this world without being criticized.

• When you go to school, your teacher criticizes your work
• When you go to your job, your boss criticizes your work
• When you go to church, there may be criticism from well-meaning Christians and even the pastor
• Friends and even family criticizes us

This criticism though is not always a bad thing. Without constructive criticism, we don't learn what we are doing right or wrong and we don't grow.  For the person with AVPD though, criticism is a mortal enemy. Criticism in any amount crushes their spirit. The more intense the criticism, the more the one with Avpd cowers and retreats into themselves.

Think of criticism like bullets coming out of the mouth of the one that criticizes. These projectiles rip the skin apart, destroy organs, create deep gashing wounds, and can do irreparable damage to the Avoidant.

Can't Stand Being Rejected

No one likes to be rejected. Most people have an internal mechanism (usually learned) that allows them to either cope with rejection or ignore it as needed. When it comes to the person that has Avoidant Personality, that mechanism is broken. They have no ability to cope with rejection.

Even the mere possibility they might be rejected is devastating to them. A person with AVPD would rather endure any physical pain, in some cases including death, than be rejected.

Terrified Of Going Outside

Babies need security and have many internal fears that fade with time, with love, and with nurturing. For the one with Avoidant Personality, this fear either never left them, or came back due to a traumatic event.

The outside world is full of the unknown. It is full of people that might hurt them; it is full of events they cannot control; it is full of all sorts of other dangers. Like a nightmare, the outside world is to be avoided at all costs.

Need To Control Everything

Let's be honest. We all like control, and we all use it a lot. We have managers that have control over their staff. We have school principals that have control over their teachers and students. Pastors have control over their church and flock.

Control is not a bad thing when used properly. There are times when being in control is needed, and there are times when giving up control is necessary.

The person with Avoidant Personality must have control over everything all the time. To not be in control is to risk being hurt. If the Avoidant is in control, there is a much smaller chance they will get hurt.

Unfortunately, this urge for control can become so severe that their relationship partner can become abused physically, or verbally, or both.

This control can become so strong and unhealthy that it turns into possession. Once the Avoidant feels they possess the other person, the Avoidant may restrict the other person from leaving the house, from meeting with friends or family, and from doing other normal things. All of this is driven by the desire to avoid losing their possession.

If the partner attempts to leave the relationship, the Avoidant can become outraged and decide that if they can't have the partner, no one will!

Anxious About Everything

Everyone gets anxious. We get anxious about that perfect date; a test at school; our next job interview; and the first day on the job. This is normal.

In the case of the avoidant, we are referring to being obsessed with something to the point of constantly worrying about it. This is unhealthy and can cause various issues both physical and emotional.

The person with Avoidant Personality takes anxiety to a whole new level. It is like listening to a broken record. If the record gets scratched, it wont play smoothly anymore. The needle that plays the record would play that portion of the song leading up to the scratch, then skip backwards and replay the same portion of the song.  This process would repeat over and over and over.

This is how anxiety works in the mind of the one with AVPD. The same worry plays in their minds repeatedly—to infinity—driving them into a panic attack or anxiety attack.

According to WebMD, these attacks are intense periods of fear or feelings of doom developing over a very short time frame—up to 10 minutes—and associated with:

• Sudden overwhelming fear
• Heart Palpitations
• Sweating
• Trembling
• Shortness of breath
• Sense of choking
• Chest Pain
• Nausea
• Dizziness
• A feeling of being detached from the world
• Fear of dying
• Numbness or tingling in the limbs or entire body
• Chills or hot flashes

Overwhelming Depression

Everyone gets the blues and depression from time to time.  This may occur after failure on a test; missing a job promotion; or even on Sunday and you get those dreaded "I have to get up tomorrow and go back to work" blues.

These feelings are common and normal.

In the case of AVPD, we are talking about major depression. This is an intense sadness and loss of hope that is so terrible, the one with AVPD can't even get out of bed, much less go to work, go to meet friends or family, or function in any way.

This level of depression can be so bad that the person loses touch with reality. Their normal morals and values disappear and are replaced with feelings of wanting to kill themselves and take others with them

Avoiding Social Situations

We are social creatures. We were created to have a relationship with God and with each other.  When we are isolated from others, we short circuit ourselves and problems develop.

People that have isolated themselves from society tend to develop strange behaviors, become paranoid, and can adopt other odd habits.

The person with Avoidant Personality desperately wants friends and to be social, but cannot because their fear of rejection and the fear of people is so strong that it overpowers every other need and desire.

Those with AVPD keep this a carefully guarded secret.

When they think about being in a group of people, no matter how small, in their minds they see the picture on the right. A huge unending sea of people that they will get lost in and will crush and kill them!

Inability To Hold Jobs

Example from our Executive Director Phillip Dacus

When Phillip was in the throes of Avoidant Personality, he went through a ton of jobs—probably a hundred or so. He was unable to develop relationships with co-workers and my bosses. Another issue was his inability to comprehend the tasks that he was given.

A boss would give him a task to do, then 5 minutes later, he would forget what they told him to do. He he got confused about what they said. He would then either have to do the best he could with what he could remember of the task, or go back to his boss and ask them to repeat themselves, which bosses hate to do.

Most bosses would refuse to go over the task a second time, which would cause him to fail at the task. Then the boss would get mad and he would get fired.

This unfortunately happened many times. He finally learned that he needed to have his boss write things down for him, but this is also something bosses hate to do.

The result was that he went through a lot of jobs until he found one boss that was nice, and would understood. These sorts of bosses though are very rare.

Unless the one with AVPD can overcome this, we highly recommend that they seek a Work-From-Home opportunity. The problem with working from home is that there is little to no socialization, so the one with AVPD is not learning critical socialization skills.

Once they learn their Work-From-Home job, they may not even need to talk to anyone. Most Work-From-Home jobs tend to be very 'hands off' from the supervisor's and manager's perspective which adds to deterioration of social skills.

Feelings That Everyone Is Better

Everyone has inferiority complexes at times. We think our boss is better than us; our teachers are better than us; rich people are better than us.

The fact is that we are all God's creations and we are all equal in worth. We should never look at other people as more or less valuable.

For the one with Avoidant Personality , this is easier said than done. Inferiority is one of the main roots of AVPD. Ones with AVPD feel they have no value.

If a person is worthless, and therefore has no value, then everyone is better than them.

This is a lie that Satan has sown into the very heart of the one with AVPD. It is a lie that is continually reinforced each and every day:

• By rejection
• By fear
• By people that do not understand their disorder
• By not being able to keep a job
• By constant criticism
• And by a world that does not understand them

Feelings Of Worthlessness

This is another root symptom of Avoidant Personality. Those with AVPD feel they are worthless because they are constantly beaten down. Much of this is in their minds, but does not make it any less real.

We live in a physical world where we can use our five senses to figure out how to interpret things. We can touch, taste, see, hear, and smell the world that is around us.

This means that everything we know—or think we know—is subject to what we can study with these senses.

This is different from how people view the traits of the mind, like mental disorders. People often view these conditions as fictional and not really present; they are just something that those with AVPD make up as excuses so they don't have to do things.

The truth is that the unseen is the real world, and the physical is the illusion. Mental disorders are just as real as physical disorders because the brain is in control of your entire body.

When the one with AVPD gets the thought that they are worthless planted into their head, this affects every aspect of their lives, and is the single most devastating symptom that has to be overcome

Feelings Of Being Alone

The person with Avoidant Personality wants, with every fiber of their being, to be a part of social circles. The problem is that they can't. It is like a computer system with two sets of conflicting instructions.

• The first set of instructions say: "You need friends and family. Go out and meet people and have fun."
• The second set of instructions say: "Be alone because it is safe and you wont get hurt!"
• The second set of instructions take a much higher priority than the first set, and have a much stronger influence over the mind.

The result is that no matter how hard the one with AVPD tries, they cannot force themselves to go and meet people. It is a barrier made of the hardest material that is impossible to penetrate.

Self Hatred

Churches are very good at telling you how much God loves you, and how much value you have. The problem is that these words of love cannot penetrate the heart of the one with Avoidant Personality, because they are internally wired to believe that they are worthless.

The heart has all the instructions that tell you who you are, what value you have, and that you are loved. The heart always overrides the brain.

In the case of the one with AVPD, these instructions are out of whack. The heart is telling them they suck, they are worthless, they have no value, and nobody loves them.

Simple words taken in by the brain cannot get into the heart to overwrite those bad instructions that are in the heart.

Here is what happens:

• The words "you are loved" come into the brain
• The brain then checks with the heart to make sure what they received and "you are loved" is correct
• The heart reports back to the brain that these words are incorrect, and you are in fact worthless
• The words "you are loved" are then overwritten by the words "you are worthless"

No matter how many times, or how loudly, the one with AVPD hears these words, the only thing they will ever hear is:

"YOU ARE WORTHLESS!"

This is why mere words are not enough!

Everyone Is Out To Get Them

All of these instructions are firmly implanted into the heart. This is what makes the symptoms and Avoidant Personality incredibly difficult to overcome.

No matter how nice people try to be, and how innocent their motives, the one with AVPD is always thinking—either in their conscious thoughts or in their subconscious—that people are up to no good, have an ulterior motive, and is out to get them.

Great Difficulty Being Intimate

Intimacy is very important to any relationship. Without it the relationship will sooner or later end. It is just a matter of how long it is going to take. Intimacy is both emotional or physical. Both are equally important to any relationship.

The problem for the one with Avoidant Personality is that intimacy requires complete trust, complete vulnerability, and self love. If you don't love yourself, you cant love someone else.

These are all things that the one with AVPD does not possess. They hate themselves, fear people, fear rejection, and do not trust anyone. If the one with AVPD tries to be close to their partner and attempt intimacy, they will always be in fear that they will do something wrong, or their partner will reject them.

Those with AVPD make excuses not to be intimate, and will usually wind up taking care of themselves because they are the only ones they trust.

Alone In The World

This is a huge lie that the the world tells the one with Avoidant Personality.

C.S. Lewis often played the devil's advocate, meaning that he put himself in the devil's shoes in order to demonstrate how Satan thinks and acts. In any war, it is crucial to know your enemy, and to be able to think like they do. This is the only way the enemy can be truly defeated.

If the devil can convince the one with AVPD that they are the only one with an issue, he can make them feel isolated and keep them from finding help. The devil tells that one with AVPD they are uniquely defective, so there is no hope of a cure, much less any help or relief.

This lie keeps them isolated from society and from relationships.

Someone, Or Something, Is Controlling Them

:All the World is a stage and we are but players on that stage."

—William Shakespeare

Persons with Avoidant Personality feel that they are not in control of their lives. They are simply playing a part that was assigned to them.

Many that have AVPD report having out-of-body experiences, where they are looking down on something they are doing or saying.  It is usually something that they do not want to say or do. They are completely powerless to prevent anything, or intervene in any way.

Those with AVPD often report losing time. They may have no clue about what they said or did, even a mere 5 minutes after it occurred.

Suicidal Thoughts And Tendencies

Avoidant Personality is one of the worst mental disorders in the world because it combines major depression, severe social anxiety, and many other fears and symptoms into one package.

Those with AVPD are trying as best they can to deal with the constant barrage of symptoms—24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, year after year.

Many that have AVPD:

• End up in jail due to a crime they committed.  They may even want to go to jail—either consciously or subconsciously—and stay there, because there is security and safety in confinement
• Hurt themselves and/or others by suicide, or suicide by cop
• Wind up alone or in a failing or failed relationship

Avoiding Life

You might read this point and think, "Duh!" However, this is an important aspect of the condition that is easily overlooked.

When someone that has Avoidant Personality does not show up for a gathering of friends or a family function, Loved Ones tend to take out their frustration on the one with AVPD, and sometimes scream and yell at them.

This only makes matters worse. When given the chance, the one with AVPD will avoid social events, family functions, and any other events they can get out of.

How the Loved One handles this behavior is critical, and will set the stage for their relationship. The one with AVPD will either learn to trust the Loved One—or learn to fear them—based on how they respond.

This does NOT mean that avoiding friends and family is a good thing and should be allowed to continue indefinitely. The one with AVPD must seek counseling, or some form of support, so they can learn how to safely and slowly start to develop these relationships.

Extreme Sensitivity To Yelling

It does not matter if you are old or young; black, white, or brown; male or female; rich or poor. No one likes being yelled at.

For the one with Avoidant Personality though, this takes on a whole new dimension. Being yelled at is the same as criticism, which crushes the spirit of the one with AVPD.

Often Phillip's wife would say something critical to him, to which he would respond, "Don't yell at me."

She wasn't actually yelling, but he perceived it that way because he could tell that she was not happy with him. To him, this disapproval was equated to yelling.

The one with AVPD would prefer enduring physical pain to being yelled at.

Everything Will Always Go Wrong

Murphy's Law says, "everything that can go wrong, will go wrong."

It took Thomas Edison 1,000 attempts to come up with an electric light bulb that worked. When asked about this, Edison said he did not fail 999 times. He invented an electric light bulb that had 1,000 steps to it.

To the one with Avoidant Personality though, they cannot see a positive outcome to anything, ever!

Everything is gloom and doom and always will be.

Inability To Trust

Trust is a very rare commodity for the one with Avoidant Personality. So rare that it is almost an oxymoron.

For an Avoidant to learn to trust anyone can take years, or even decades. Trust takes time to build, and is very difficult for the one with AVPD.

The reason is because opening up themselves to trust someone is to be vulnerable to attack, hurt, and rejection.

Even after years in a relationship with someone with AVPD, they might only let the Loved One in just so far, always keeping them at arms length.

Inability To Fight Fair

In a normal relationship, there are fights and disagreements. This is perfectly normal and even healthy.

In a fight in a mature relationship, two people present their side of an argument, and maybe say a few things in anger. At some point, they rationally come together in agreement, or at least compromise, and end the dispute.

In a relationship between a Loved One & a person with Avoidant Personality, this process is short-circuited. When presented with anger, contention, or any type of confrontation, the one with AVPD cowers in a corner, either a physical corner, or a corner of their mind.

Having an argument or fight with someone that has AVPD is often one-sided. The one with AVPD cannot present their side because they fear that they are  wrong and the Loved One is right. This is because the one with AVPD has no self worth.

Addictive Behaviors

Persons with Avoidant Personality Disorder often have addictions to various things like;

• Porn
• Sex
• Video Games
• Drugs
• Alcohol
• Food
• Work

Just like a lizard that can change colors wherever they want or need to, the one with AVPD can do this as well. It is a protection mechanism. When they feel threatened of being exposed, like when going to the doctor, they can hide or mask their symptoms and appear Normal.

People with AVPD Are Like Chameleons. They are very stubborn. If they do not want to do something, they are not going to do it.

Difficulty Sleeping

Many people that have Avoidant Personality report bouts of insomnia. Even in the best of times, they have a lot of trouble sleeping.

Usually this is caused by an overactive mind that won't shut off. Often, a certain part of their day, or certain worry, will replay over and over like the broken record, preventing restful sleep.

Sleep is crucial to your emotional well-being.