Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is the idea that one can form a very unhealthy and destructive bond over trauma instead of love.
You have probably seen an example of this in movies. It’s a very common theme. In this one movie, 2 people are in a bank when it gets robbed. Everyone in the bank is taken hostage. The bank robbers want money as bank robbers tend to want. An alarm gets tripped and the police come. The bank robbers keep all the people in the bank hostage until the police met their demands.
The man and woman got close because of the shared trauma. Once the robbery is resolved, the two decide they love each other, go off into the sunset, get married and live happily ever after.
This is a cute story and makes for a really fun movie, but reality is very different. These two people fell in love because of a traumatic event. They married, and for a few months, were very happy.
When they talk, they talk about the only thing they really have in common which is the hostage situation at the bank. They share their experience and even cry together. Eventually though there is nothing left to share about the event and their pain. Once they exhaust this, there is nothing left to talk about. The emotions they felt during the bank robbery are just not there anymore.
A little time passes and they get angry and bitter towards each other. They struggle each day to figure out why they don’t feel about each other like they once did. A little more time passes and they begin to hate each other. They fight constantly over the most basic things like colors of towels, how to take out the trash, and a lot of other things that mean nothing.
A little more time passes and the couple finally divorces feeling let down by each other, God, Friends, Family, Pastors and Therapists. No one is able to help them and they have no idea why. They both end up feeling like total and complete failures.
What they thought was love was really not love at all. It was shared trauma that they bonded over. Once the trauma past, there was nothing left to base the relationship on.
There are several facets to a Trauma Bond. One that I want to explore more is what I call the “Fixer Trauma Bond.” Let’s say that Bill goes into the hospital because he was in a very bad auto accident.
While in the hospital, the nurse (we will call her Jill) that was assigned to attend to Bill develops a bond with him. Once Bill is out of the hospital, Bill and Jill start dating and get married. Jill bonds to Bill because she has a desire to fix people. Bill bonds with Jill because he loves the attention he gets because he was injured and desires to be fixed.
The problem is that once Bill is over whatever he was in the hospital for, they find that they are no longer attracted to each other. They end up in the same cycle as the story above.
The next one I want to talk about is another sub set of the Fixer Trauma Bond. This one we call the “Avoidant Personality Trauma Bond”. In this variation, the Loved One gets into a relationship with a person that has Avoidant Personality (Avp). The Loved One may or may not know before the relationship starts that their partner has Avp.
The Loved One is initially attracted to the one with Avp because she either wants to fix the one with Avp, or feels sorry for them and wants to help.
They fall in love because of this mutual dependency on each other and develop a relationship. The loved one has a need to fix, and help people.
The one with Avp has a need to be fixed, feel needed, be felt sorry for, and desired. They develop a co-dependent relationship. Each depends on the other to fill the other’s needs.
This process can take a few weeks, a few months, or perhaps in some cases, a few years. Typically, though it happens very quickly. Eventually the Loved One discovers that they are unable to fix the one with Avp.
The one with Avp discovers that they either dont want to be fixed, or they have come to the conclusion they can’t be fixed. The Loved One cannot figure why the one with Avp does not want their help so they get angry and frustrated because they desperately want to fix their partner.
The one with Avp gets angry and frustrated because their partner is not able to help them and things actually seem to get worse. They fight endlessly about everything. Both find even the smallest things irritating about the other one.
It’s as if they are both tied to railroad tracks. There is a freight train that comes out of nowhere and runs them over and they die. Each time they come back to life only to die again each time the freight train barrels down on them.
After they get run over by the train, there might be enough love that they come back to hope, or love and try to make it work yet again. They might even try to untie the nots that tie them down.
The more they try to untie them, the tighter they get. Sometimes there is a brief relief, but then the freight train comes and runs them over again. This vicious cycle just keeps happening over and over until one day, neither can, or even wants to try anymore.
They bond over their individual needs. The Loved One needs to fix, and the one with Avp needs to be fixed. Both feed off each other and develop a co-dependent relationship with the other. Once the Loved One learns that they can’t fix the one with Avp, they became angry and frustrated.
Once the one with Avp learns they can’t depend on the Loved One to fix them, they get angry and frustrated. The result is a very toxic relationship of anger, frustration, resentment, fear and mistrust.
Anger because neither can meet the other needs. The Loved One just wants to fix the one with Avp. The one with Avp just wants the Loved One to fix them. Both have come to the realization that the other can’t do what they promised. It does not matter if this promise was verbalized. The mere fact they the Loved One came into the relationship was a promise so they both failed in what they wanted to do.
Frustration because neither can understand why they failed. The Loved One failed to be able to fix the one with Avp. The one with Avp failed to be fixed by the Loved One. In addition, God failed, the Church failed, Clinicians failed, Pastors failed, Family failed and Friends failed. Even life itself has failed, so both parties become frustrated with everything and everyone.
Resentment because nothing has worked. Both the Loved One and the one with Avd resent each other because they are not only not able to fix, and be fixed, but are causing more damage due to this failure.
Fear because they are afraid that nothing will ever work. If they continue on the path they are on of constant failure, they fear what the other person might be capable of. Suicide is a possibility here or hurting the other person because of bent up negative emotions.
Mistrust because of the failure of the Loved One to Fix, and the one with Avp to be fixed. No one has been able to provide any hope, much less a path to recovery, so neither are able to trust anyone.
Another variation of Avoidant Personality Trauma Bonding is even more common than the one above. In this scenario, partner A is again the Loved One and Partner B is the one with Avp.
Partner A starts to develop reservations either before the relationship begins, or at some point after the relationship starts.
Partner B (The one with Avp) fears losing Partner A (Loved One). They tell Partner A one of the following.
- They can’t live without the loved one
- They hint at suicidal thoughts
- They imply suicidal thoughts
- They tell the loved one directly that if they leave them, they will kill themselves
- They express in some other way that if the loved one leaves, their life will suffer
- They fall into a deep depression or develop other intense symptoms of Avp
The Loved One feels guilty and fears what their partner might do. They decide they are responsible for the Avoidants actions and future. They become so riddled with guilt that they decide they have no choice but to rekindle, or stay in the relationship.
This feeling of responsibility continues and becomes stronger. The Loved One stays in the relationship and endures emotional and even physical abuse because they fear what the one with Avp will do if they leave. The one with Avp probably does not know it or recognize it, but they are manipulating the relationship and causing damage to it.
This manipulation becomes so entwined in the relationship that both the Avoidant and the Loved One suffer from a very unhealthy and destructive relationship that can go on for years or even decades.
This is the reality of mental health and Avoidant Personality. The couple in crises must evaluate their relationship to determine if they have a good foundation. A foundation based on love, or a foundation based on trauma and co-dependency.
If the relationship is based on love, once the Avp is dealt with, the relationship can continue to grow and past trauma can be healed.
In the next blog, we will talk about what healthy attachment is, what love is, what a healthy attachment with love looks like, and how to escape from a Trauma Bond